Paradise and Mermaids- Bouznika

My family's house, isn't it cute?!

So simple and so beautiful. I absolutely loved the white with blue doors. I slept
in the room that you see to the left, what we would call "the living room" haha.

The beach *sigh*

VOILA! This is where I spent my weekend!

Hello everyone! I write you today from the remote land of Bouznika, where I am spending my weekend away from the craziness of Meknes and my "normal" life.  I can honestly say that I am currently in a pseudo-paradise: a private beach shared only with the other owners of the beach, complete nature, the sun, and of course, the beach. Walking, I am less than 3 minutes away from the beach at my host family's adorable beach house. Yesterday, we spent the morning preparing the house and then spent the evening at the beach. This morning after breakfast, I went for a run on the beach. To say that I ran the whole time would be lie; I never fully realized how utterly difficult it is to run on the beach. When I started, I felt like I was in one of those movies or tv shows where everyone runs...and then as my feet sank in the sand and I fought against the waves and laughter, reality set in, and the movie syndrome ended. to say I walked the whole time would be somewhat of a lie. Therefore, to save face and time, let's say I did both. It was amazing-it was still somewhat cloudy, and the ocean reflected these amazing shades of alternating blues and greys as the small tides rolled in.  I was able to walk from one side of the beach to the other and back, the whole time listening to music and reflecting. I went through every single emotion during this run/walk/folly, and I guess you could say I had a "revelation of sorts." So, i'm going to share it with you. I promises, I'm going to try to connect it to my experience of studying abroad and I'm not just rambling.

I decided to add a few photos along the way...make the reading more bearable lol. This
is Mamoun's little cousin, Salma. We played a sort of game that I don't know what
it's called in English and can't spell it in French but we throw these metal balls and try
to reach the little green ball that's the target. Any ideas?! Oh, and isn't she adorable?! Arab
children are simply the cutest things ever. 

FINALLY! A picture of my host family! From left to right:
Salma (daughter of the gentleman to the far right), Amin (host dad's son), his wife  Emtiza,
Mamoun (my host brother), Moustafa (my host dad), Mashgda (my host mom) and Youssef
(Salma's dad and the other son of my host dad). All simply wonderful!

I believe in reincarnation. Not the typical notion of dying and coming back to life as something else. I guess you could say that I believe in a mixture of reincarnation through a rebirth. After this morning, I realized that like the ocean, we as humans can experience a rebirth and come back through a natural reincarnation. As I watched the tide role in, I realized that the ocean renews the itself and the beach every day, twice or three times a day. This morning, it started off shy and far away, but as the hours passed, the tide rolled in, each time with more strength and more determination to cleanse everything in its path. It suddenly struck me that the ocean has no fear, no limits; it belongs to no one and defies all rules that anyone imposes on it. It is free.


My friends like to poke fun armed because after my experience at the jamam/Turkish bath house, I said that I felt like a liberated mermaid. I LOVE the ocean. When I visited Andrew in Toulon last summer, I would leave him sun bathing while I went and fulfilled my calling as a mermaid in the water. I also now fully understand why I'm so addicted to puddles-puddles are a mini-natural version of large bodies of whatever. That's why I can't resist them! Anyway, so back to the mermaid tales. Today, I came to the conclusion that I really am a "mermaid" of sorts.
Mermaids are mythical creatures of the ocean. They are sought by all and then left to die once they are caught. They are one with the water, and their power and majestic essence comes from the water.




I know you probably think I'm crazy right about now (don't blame you), but I have a point to make, I promise.


After thinking all of this, I realized that all my life I have let others put limitations on me-friends, boyfriends (especially boyfriends), teachers, rules, etc. To make matters worse, I myself have either a) refused to break those limitations, b) followed the set rules, or c) put even more limitations on myself. Why is it that I never fully embraced my free spirit? Why is it that I seem to cave in to other's demands of me without adhering to my own rules?


Worst of all, I realized that in giving in and giving up so much myself (out of fear, to please others, to avoid problems, etc), I end up losing myself. Why is it that  I let someone else define who I am or who I want to be?


Before coming here, I guess you could say I was going through a personal/identity/love/life crisis. Two days before I got to Morocco, my world as I knew it or had "defined" it for two years came crushing down. Call it a much needed break or the Grace of God, this awful series of events ironically propelled me forward. I was forced to see reality for what it was, not for what I imagined it to be. I was forced to face some of my errors fro the past, and thankfully, I guess this was God's/ the universe's way of saying "this is your second chance" ; if I'm being given a second chance, why not take it right?


That's exactly what I've done for the last two weeks (two weeks already in Morocco can you believe it?) and especially during this weekend.


I guess going back to my "mermaid" roots made me realize that like the ocean, I have a chance to cleanse myself. I respect and fear the water more than any other element on earth. My respect for it taught me that if she sets no limits for herself and she fears no one or nothing, why can't I be the same way? Why shouldn't I unleash my fury against those who do me wrong, and why can't I embrace everything as she does? Why should I let others define who I am or set rules for what I can or can't, and why can't I knock those walls down like she does?


Another thing that I feel like I struggle with is this perception of myself that o have caged myself in. For the last (almost) month of my travels, people have been telling me how friendly and approachable I am, how sweet and honest and kind I am, how genuine I am, how helpful and encouraging I am. What strikes me as very odd and somewhat uncomfortable are the cat calls on the street, the comments from guys and mainly girls at school, the remarks store owners make when I waltz in to a store, or through the comments on Facebook and pictures people have poster of me that say "how pretty I am."  My parents told me in a conversation not too long ago the only person who doesn't see all of these qualities is me. I agree with them. Is it bad not thin these things? I guess I just have this innate fear of becoming pompous, so all of my life I have never allowed myself to think these things about myself.


However, at the same time, I realize that part of me needs to embrace at least some of these qualities in order p give myself the respect I deserve. If there is one thing I have learned through this terrible heartache I  going through is that although I can be an awful person, I also have a lot of good in me. If the things I do or what or how I give of myself to others is not enough, then shouldn't I be able to say "enough" and walk away? A few questions that have been resounding over and over in my mind since my arrival are : "why am I not enough?" "Why wasn't I enough?" "why couldn't you (whoever you is) love me for me?" "Why do you feel the need to change me or confine me? Is it out of fear? Insecurity? Intimidation? What exactly did I do to deserve this?" and lastly, "Was this me? Is this my fault? What could I do better?" I hope to fins the answers one day. I claim responsibility for my part and my actions, but what about the rest?


I keep hearing from numerous people that fairy tale love and the idea of price charming don't exist. However, I look around me and I SEE it. I Egypt, I met countless couples where the man literally loved his wife/fiancé so much that it radiated from his face. I see couples all over that show signs of my idea of "fairy tale" love. I even see animals that pair off...so damn it why do people feel the need to tell me that I have to settle and face reality? My reality is a reality not necessarily of a Disney fairy tale, but one where there is mutual love, understanding, support, respect, admiration, passion...don't tell me it doesn't exist because I have seen it. I know my prince charming is out there. Im not asking to be treated like a Material Girl or a queen or to have so much attention that I die. All I ask for is for the little things, the little gestures, the little meaningless acts that mean so much to me, the respect and support and admiration that I thin all women and men deserve. I think i give plenty and do plenty of the little things, but why can't you?


And, yes, sadly this is directed at you men: don't tell me that as women we don't give you enough room to be men. We didn't steal your "man" card-you removed it yourself. The minute you respect yourself without being a cocky jerk is the day you will get it back. Don't tell me this bullshit about how you can't do grand romantic gesture anymore. You can't do them because you don't want to. We women give you ALL the room in the world and even ask for these gestures- by grand gestures I mean anything from picking flowers off the side of the road just because, taking the time to build us a piece of furniture, rub our feet, kiss us just because, cook dinner, surprise is with a love note...I know that sometimes we take this for granted, but that's why women need to show more gratitude. My friend Hussein told me that the thing he loves most about his girlfriend Doha is that she ALWAYS recognizes and thanks Hussein for every all and large act. Isn't this the way it's supposed to be for both sides? So please, before you go telling me what does and doesn't exist, do a reality check yourself. I still believe in my prince charming. I still believe in a happily ever after, one where we will make it through every single up and down TOGETHER and come out stronger in the end. Don't tell me this doesn't exist. What I'm asking for is NOT impossible and it's definitely not found in the stupid Disney movies-it's real life.


Sorry, I had to get that out. The context behind this was a talk that originated in my peace and conflict resolution course and continued for a few days. My professor and the guys in my class argued that chivalry was dead and grand romantic gestures were no more because of women...I think they brought up a lot of good points that I definitely will keep in mind for the future, but that was my rebuttal.

Anyway....


So help me God, things will change. I realized that the person I was becoming wasn't the person I wanted to be. Allhim dullillah, I have been giving a second chance to change it.

Mamoun and his new pet-the jelly fish

Aziza and Hadda, the two ladies who help around the house! So sweet

Aziza drew this for me in the sand! But it's a ritual lol, Nandy I'm thinking of you!

Haha, I was told that we were gathering this stuff for dinner...I was a
bit grossed out, but that's what I get for being so gullible! 

                                                        
      This is exactly what you think it is- Mamoun and I singing our rendition of "Hey Jude." We don't always get along, but I found that we sometimes connect through our musical abilities! Haha, I love this kid. He cracks me up!! I'm gonna miss the little rascal...
               
                                                           ******************************************

I decided to take a break from writing yesterday, but I'll continue this morning. I think that thinking so much yesterday really forced me to change y outlook on things today.


This morning, I woke up early, ate breakfast, and went for a run on the beach. When I got there, the sun was shining, and there was a group of young karate students getting ready or training I suppose. ( Took me back to my days in France when I was taking karate!) Anyway, today, I was determined to make it to the other end of the beach. Guess what?! I did it. My music sound different today, the ocean looked different today( the sun came out early so this morning everything was bright and alive and green and blue and ALIVE!), and the sand was actually perfect for running conditions. I not only made it to the other side, but I also explored the little city/village o the other side, watched surfers doing their thing, and felt no inhibitions whatsoever. I felt so alive and so happy! I definitely felt like the water's energy was flowing in to me. The sound of the waves and the rhythm of my feet hitting the sand and the bass fro my iPod was definitely inspiring.   I even had enough energy to run back! I had to make it back before the tide got too high (where we live, if the tide gets too high, you literally have to swim across chest high waters to get back to our side from the beach), so that need to make it back in time was probably the driving force behind this energy. To top it all off, I randomly got this sudden urge to jump in the water. I wasn't wearing my swim suit, I was just in my running gear. I sort of thought about my options, but then I decides to stop thinking and just DO IT. Since it was early, there weren't many people out on the beach, just some young lovers, athletes, and fishermen. I found a pretty remote place on the beach. Without thinking too much, I yanked my iPod off, took my running outfit off and just jumped head first into the water wearing nothing but my sports bra and underwear! It felt SO good to be in the water!! I swam for a few seconds, cooled off, and ran back out to get my stuff and get dressed before anyone saw me. After that moment, I felt so empowered. I had done nothing wrong, but I did follow my gut feelings. All morning. I answered to nobody but myself and the calling of nature. I hadn't felt so good about myself in a long, long time! It was one of the simplest yet most invigorating moments of my life!!

Sunset 

Battle of the flags: American, Mexican, and Moroccan 

We are leaving soon, so I'm trying to enjoy what little time I have left here in this paradise. Indeed, all weekend I have learned to embrace the phrase: الله اكبر or God is great. I hope that I can remember this after time goes by and I lose my way again...


To conclude: I am well on my way to finding and redefining myself on my own terms, and it feels great. This liberated mermaid has never felt so good in her own fins.

speaking of mermaids...I dubbed this the "Little Mermaid Rock" = MY ROCK= I'm a mermaid :)